Just Me... & Me & Me

If I am just me, how can I be
A mother, a wife, a sister, a friend?
Can I be here if I need to be there;
Where does it start and where does it end?
How can I know what I must do
To fill all my roles while staying sane too?
When can I stop, take a moment to breathe?
I need to figure this out
Because I need some relief!
---
written 2011

Hungry for More

Can I be your little girl
That you'll love and adore?
Oh can't I be
-So you'll give me more and more!

I thrive on all the attention
Whether it's good or bad or both.
I hope, so badly hope
You admire me.

I want to be your struggling hero
I want a medal
To acknowledge my journey
And success-

Am I not successful?
Am I not so great?
I know I am
-Oh, but please, please, tell me so!
---
written 2011

Looking Up

I watch you sit there, stuck in your chair
And my heart aches for you.
I see your fingers twisting and pulling
You're so tense, you're so stuck.
You can't look up to see my eyes,
You're so pulled in, I know that pain-
Like the world's gone dark
And each tomorrow will be the same.

I watch you sit there, stuck in your mind
And I remember when that used to be me.
I'd pull at my fingers as I tried desperately to talk
But I was too tense, I was stuck.
I couldn't look up to see the care in your eyes
I couldn't look around to see the world go by
I was just consumed with pain that seemed to never end
My worst fear being tomorrow would be the same.

But G-d blessed me with love, which I denied I own
Yet I was guided to see that it's there.
I had people to care and be patient with me
To love me although it wasn't easy.
Then day by day, yes it felt like forever
They turned into months; I climbed out
From the ground that my heart was buried in
To the world that I share with you.

I longed for the time I would find the strength
I longed for the life I didn't own.
My longing grew so consuming
That's when I started to pray.
I was so full of rage and so very afraid
So I screamed at G-d until my voice grew tired
And then I heard Him
"I'm here, It's okay."

Now I look up when I'm feeling stuck
I look around at the faces I know
I look in the eyes of the people I love
Until there's a spark in our eyes
I know I'm not alone.
I look at the Heavens, at the world all around
And whisper to G-d
"I believe You. It'll be okay."

I know you're stuck, I can't make it go away
But I can be patient and show you I care
I'm here by your side while you're alone in your pain
And I'll love you every day.
G-d will comfort your throbbing heart
He listens when you pray.
Yes, it'll come, when you'll look up too
You'll whisper to G-d
You're okay. 
---
written 2013

Forgotten Prayer

I don't want to forget You
In my busy, distracting days
I don't want to dismiss You
As if You're in the way

I want to call out to You
And I stumble on my words
Once I try to talk to You
All else becomes a blur

I am Your hungry child
Thirsting for Your love
In my humble home
My soul hasn't had enough

Each day the sun comes up
I forget what I'm doing here
I need You, Father
Please accept my prayer
---
written 2013

Someone New

I want to try something new
Where I tell everything to you
So you know where I'm going
Even when I'm lost

I want you to see
Where I end up at the end
As I try to navigate my life
Of unpaved roads

I want someone to wonder
How it is that I am here
When you look back at the past
All going nowhere

I want help to understand
Why my map's in Chinese
And my brain cannot translate
The messages

I want to succeed
To start each new day
With my head right side up
And my feet on the ground

I want to know
All the things that I don't
And I hope you have patience
For me

I want to try something new
Where I find someone true
Who can teach me 
To learn Chinese
---
written 2013

Myself

I haven't allowed myself
To trust that you can be
A safe haven for my pain,
Vulnerability.

I never believed myself
How much pain I have inside
A child's heart still broken,
Indefinitely.

I doubt I'd recognize myself
When I'd break down and cry
A maskless face revealing,
Humility.

I don't understand myself
How the courage pushes on
A buried will so determined
Intensity.

I hope to find it in myself
Relive moments I numbed to survive
A cry, a sobbing, weeping
Finally.

I don't know who you are
How big your heart can be
To join me as I find myself
Empathy.

I wish to learn to love myself
The way you do for me
A belief stronger than my pain
My journey.
---
written 2013

Love Ya, Later!

A smile, a twinkle, in my eye
With fond memories in my heart
I write to let you know, my dear
I miss seeing you at my side.
I know you are not so far
We can always say hello
But today it just seems not good enough
I'd really love a hug.
But I won't get all soppy now
I don't want to make you sad too
I just want to send some love your way
And let you know
I'm thinking of you.

---

written 2013

A Garden of Tears

You've awakened something
Buried deep within my heart;
Under a frozen pillar of tears.

Your soft eyes, your comforting smile
Your warmth of friendship and care
Lit my soul to melt my prison of tears.

It pulls, twisting
Desperate to feel that place
A haven to embrace-

Me, 
        my pain, 
                       my sorrows

My heart, 
My love,
My strength.

My childish dreams, 
                           my wishful hopes

Allowing them all free, with tears.

It's meant to be this way;
To open my heart
Spilling tiny seeds wherever I go

With the warmth you imbue,
Seeds, watered with tears
Grow and blossom

A garden so magnificent
Only from tears
                             -set free.

---
written 2013

Hello Stranger

I've been given a not so subtle reminder
It's really okay!
That seems like such a foreign concept
I'm so harsh; so mean to myself
But then my friends remind me
I'm really okay!
I am caring to others
Because I have a loving heart
But to myself I'm very mean
So perhaps I can pretend to be a stranger
Since I don't really know myself so well anyway.
I don't take the time to listen 
To the scared little voice inside
Hiding from my fierce and impatient mind.
If I squint and barely look, I can pretend.
I'll listen and be more forgiving, 
I'll excuse myself, encourage that scared place
Inside of me,
That really is a stranger to me.
I just can't wait to get acquainted
And make a new friend.
But for now
It's really okay.
---
written 2013

I Believe

I believe
That somehow, one day
I will look at my reflection
And find acceptance
Within my own eyes
Eyes that I own.

I believe 
That somehow, one day
I will finally be at peace
With who I am
And my life of the past
Life that I own.

I believe
That somehow, every day
My heart that yearns
For truth and peace
Will find its way,
Though painful.

I will no longer need
To plead for acceptance
I will no longer fear
The chance of rejection
Because I'm worth believing
In me.
---
written 2013

I Admit, I Don't Know

I don't trust you
I don't understand you
I'm scared of you
I don't know you
Maybe because you don't know
Yourself;
Who are you?
What do you feel deep within your layers of defense
You seem to be screaming
"No one get too close!" 
Perhaps you'll feel
Your own pain, sorrow, fears and loss.
All I know about you
Is that you're hurting
But do you know?
I don't know if you do and I'm scared to find out
Because deep beyond my mind
I love you
Even though I haven't managed
The pain strangling my heart.
And I don't know what to do
With my anger and love
For you.
---
written 2013

Puppet Show

I feel like a puppet
Spineless; trying to be what others manipulate me to be
Can you really stuff back in
The feelings you just yanked out?
I don't know.
I don't feel the same-
I feel emptied
I released my vulnerability as well.
What will happen when you see
My tears,
What will you think
Once you see me in pain?
I'd be shamed if you'd pity me
I'd be at a loss for what to do
If you'd acknowledge me;
I'm not used to that
I've never honestly accepted validation.
Perhaps it's come too late
Once all I know
Is how to reject it.
I'm a hollow puppet
I hope to fill it
With stronger character
A new chance to be happy-
The show must go on.
---
written 2013

Empowered To Embrace My Life

It's hard to explain when I don't know what I feel
It's hard to admit that these feelings are real.
I'm scared to look in the mirror and see
My eyes and their depth; how far down it might be.
This heaviness, pain, loneliness, fear
Yet I'm blessed for my family that I treasure so dear.
And as much as they may not ever understand
They love me; I have them, I can move beyond
I am as strong as I will myself to be
My body will follow, if it's meant to be.
I am determined although I may fail
To get up again and again for each trial
And prove to myself; if no one else will know
That I own a place in this that is my own
And I will fill it with one hundred percent
With a smile on my face although I feel spent
Because I'm grateful for living and being loved
And for teaching myself I can if I must;
If I will it, I want it, I'll dig it out from inside

That will help me continue, I'll admit, with some pride!

I'm learning to love who I am inside
And acknowledge the power;
This moment is another chance to try.
---
written 2013

My Eyes, My Heart, My Soul

My eyes keep looking
Searching
Darting back and forth
For what; where does it exist
This thing to to fill it's void-
To forgive, to love, explain
How pain can be replaced
Not by shallow confusion
But by infinitely deep truth
Beyond my sight.
My eyes keep looking
Searching, seeking
Desperate to close in
Its tears, its fears
But seems forced to see
What lies around me;
Tears, tears, tears.
Without a choice
I've lost control
And somehow deep within
I know only one thing
Every tired tear
Soaks up His infinite heart
As He adds more of His own
Until my eyes, my heart, my soul
Feel sated with that knowledge
My eyes can rest
My heart beats slow
My mind relaxes
And this tiring journey
Seems not as painful
Because I own this moment
Of truth.
---
written 2013

A New Day, A New Life

The heaviness is suffocating
I fear I may never get up
I can't even see beyond my window
Where the sun shines down
For my neighbor.

The confusion in not knowing
When or if my turn will ever come
Depresses me so much
I've drained my well
Of tears.

But with the beating of my heart
Comes fresh new tears of hope
Only G-d knows from where
For certainly I do not
Own much.

G-d whispers in my ear
Squeezes my hand with tenderness
I haven't felt in years
I cry like the child
I feel I am.

Each day the sun comes up
He blows new breath in me
And I blow out a big sigh
To acknowledge Him
In return.

"OK," I whisper back
"I'll place my wobbly feet on the ground
And hold on tight
For strength
You see in me."

Never have I looked
Beyond the pain in my cloudy sky
Never have I believed
You were there
To find.

But today I've found my voice
To ask for help; belief
And I know that is all I need
To step forward
And move on.
---
written 2013

A Little Perspective

My head's finally clearing up

I can think straight and see

That life's just running full speed ahead

Not waiting up for me.

Lying in my hospital bed

Putting life on pause

I'm realizing how ordinarily human I am

I'm no larger than life Oz.

As much I want to be helpful

And accomplish more than my share

There's simply no way to succeed

Without ending up back here.

Finally I can say "Thank You G-d

For getting me out of my mistake

For showing me You, not me, is in charge.

-For this long needed, overdue break!"

---

written 2013

I Wish I Had Time

I wish I had time for everything

To sleep, to write, to get out.

I wish I had time for everyone

To talk, to laugh, to share.

I wish I had time I could capture

With moments I treasure most.

I wish I had time that allows me

To forget those embarrassing scenes.

I wish I had time to slow down

And focus on my life, right now.

I wish I could be time's master

Although I know how messy that would be.

Oh, I just wish for a few more moments

Before I move on with my responsibilities

-Some time to pamper me.

---

written 2013