Out of Reach

I want to write

But there's nothing to say

I want to talk

But my voice is stuck

I want a hug

But I cannot reach you

I want to tell you

But I can only cry

---

written June 2011

My Precious Clarity

Troubled mind

Troubled heart

Confused

Disturbed

Falling apart

Feelings sinking

Drowning deep

Alone

Forgotten

My insides weep

But Someone calls out

Takes hold my hand

Collects all my tears

Helps me to stand

No longer alone

My precious clarity

I can always look up to G-d

And He will smile

Back at me

---

written 2003

Forget Me Not

The wind has blown

Scattered pieces

On their own

Spreading us apart

Yet time does tell

What lies within

Drifting farther

Yet one heart

---

written 2005

Lamplighter

Late at night

Approaching wee hours

The lamplighter headed out

His torch in hand

Oil jug in the other

He hurried to the first

Second and third

But right before reaching

The fourth burnt out lamp

He tripped and fell

The flame blew out

His knees scraped

He sat there a minute

Then hurried back to the third

Relit his torch

To light the forth lamp

Farther he walked

Now a bit slower

Yet much more determined

But right before reaching 

The sixth burnt out lamp

He lost his balance and fell

The oil jug cracked

Liquid seeped out

He sat there a minute

Then wrapped up the cracks

And relit the sixth lamp

He continued to walk

Even though he was tired

But right before reaching

The tenth burnt out lamp

He missed a stair and fell

His torch blew out

The jug cracked into pieces

He sat there a while

Gathered the pieces

Brushed himself off

And headed home-

To fill a new jug 

Relight a new torch

And light the very last

Burnt out lamp

---

written 2004

Happiness is the Best Medicine

Each morning bright and early

Just after you've made your bed

Gulp down this smiling pill

To lighten up your head

Two capsules over 12 years

Or children's grape flavored drink

Included is joke side effects

Which work in just a wink

Share it with your pet cat

Even a grouchy neighbor

Everyone will be shining smiles

Only moments later

This pill does not expire

No need to refrigerate

As long as you commit to be happy

Happy will be your fate

---

written 2003

The Victim

I am a victim of pain

In the darkness of night

With shame, I shy away

Speechless and blind

I turn back

I run until I can't

Breathless 

I lie down

Vulnerable once again

Yet as the darkness

Looms towards me

I know I must be strong

I rise with confidence

As false as it may be

And fight the night

This time I won't allow myself

To be a victim of pain

This time I'll be free

---

written 2004

A Tiny Little Bundle

A tiny little bundle

Without fingers or toes

A tiny little bundle

Whose name no one knows

A tiny little bundle

Full of hopes and dreams

A tiny little bundle

Of promised life it seems

This tiny little bundle

I am not meant to see

As this tiny little bundle

Does not belong to me

A tiny treasured bundle

That I prepared to love

Is a treasure unattainable

As it soars through skies above

A tiny little bundle

Gone so soon after it came

I will never get to know you

Yet I miss you just the same

---

written 2010

So It Seems

So close

Yet so far

So kind

Yet so selfish

So thoughtful

Yet so ridiculously thoughtless!

So caring 

Yet so hurting

So happy 

Yet so fake

So it seems

---

written 2006

Guilty Conscience

Mercy

Pulling at my heart

Thumping

Pounding

I know I must give in

Compelled to make peace

Truth won't let me rest

I push myself

Until I explode

Mercy!

I let go

And sleep

For my soul now sings

I am free

---

written 2011

My Reflection

My reflection

Smiles back at me

And I wonder

Who are you?

So put together

So calm

So confident

Are you not scared?

So daring

So friendly

Who would believe

We know each other

---

written 2011

Foolish

A bottomless pit

In a big black hole

There's never enough

Hours upon hours

Wasted in attempt

To fill this void

Ugly motivation

Overwhelming desperation

It's time to give it up

For it's a foolish world

And I'm not a fool

No more

---

written 2011

A Grand Production

A grand production

Make up, music

Entertaining drama

But to practice

There's no chance

For this is life

Without any choice

It is mine

I must dress up

Now I can hide 

Behind a beard

Cover up my tears

Big clown shoes

For my woes

And no one

Will ever know

I must sing 

With all my might

A tune I was never taught

I must dance the steps I'm told

Even though

No one 

Showed me how

Indeed

A grand production

Of moments in life's play

For when the curtains open

And I appear on stage

This is my chance

To perform my very best

For me

---

written June 2011

Say What?

You need to mean what you say

Because everything you say 

Means something

So if you say "nothing!"

Then you are saying something

Because nothing is something

So make sure to say what you mean

And mean what you say-

That way you won't say nothing for nothing

Or something for something else!

It's good to say something

As long as it's not for nothing

Perhaps then someone

Who knows nothing

Can learn something

---

written 2003

Life's a Song

Some days go slow

Some days so fast

But it passes
Just the same

Life is a song

Through rain and shine

I'll sing my song

Through pain and joy

The song remains

Life is a song

The journey through time

Sing high, sing low-

Life bumps up and down

You get to choose

Which song you'll sing

For life's a song

That's sung in your heart

---

written 2006

Dawn is Almost Here

The hour's late

Yet the clock keeps ticking

Dawn is almost here

Then once again

The hours will pass

Faster than you'll let them

Once again

You'll find yourself

Reflecting on the day that passed

The hour's late

And still 

The clock keeps ticking

Dawn is almost here

---

written 2006

Frozen In Place

I need to scream

Yet you would stare

I need to cry

Yet you are watching

I just wish to sleep

Yet you would wonder...

I want to run away

Yet you would not run after me

I want to be alone

Yet I need to share my pain

I want to walk my own path

Yet I wish you'd walk with me

I wonder if you'll ever know-

Even though I want to hide

I want you to follow me

I want to know you care

I want to know you love me

Unconditionally 

Not just for what I say

Not just for what I do

But simply because

You love me

---

written 2004

Phoenix

Sleep evades me

Nightmares await me

I'm scared to sleep

Worries sadden me

Doubts confuse me

I start to weep

Tears drown me

Coldness around me

I'm sinking deep

Hopelessness haunts me

Depression grabs me

I squeeze closed my eyes

Pressure envelopes me

Tension suffocates me

And yet, I'm surprised

While cruelty chases me

And strength's sucked out of me 

Somehow I know

I will not die

---

written 2004

Nothing Really

What am I upset about

Nothing really

Just everything that is

And everything that isn't

Nothing really

Just the frustrating thoughts

That hog up my head space

Nothing really

Just the knowledge that I can help myself

But it's too much of a bother

Nothing really

Just, just

Nothing- it's really nothing

I just need to allow myself

To forgive myself

So I can admit to myself

That it's really not nothing really

Just a heavy dose

Of neglected emotions

That resurface

Every time I pretend

It's nothing really

---

written June 2011

Time to Face Myself

Ever feel pulled in two?

It's really challenging

To face yourself

When you'd really rather

Run the other way

But the other way

Is a dead end

It's just tempting

Nonetheless

So maybe

I'll peek into myself

And just ignore what I see

But that's plain silly

So what should I do?!

It's no fun

Whichever way I turn

I guess, though

I ought to clean up my mess

Before others trip over it

I guess I ought to

Stop letting myself be pulled down

And start pushing myself

To get with it

And face myself

Once and for all

---

written June 2011

How Do You Do

Me and you

How do you do

I can talk for hours

So glad you asked!

But hey-

How are you

I haven't a clue

What's up

I never knew

You had what to say too

For I never thought

Outside myself

Now I realize

I should listen

When you answer

My how do you do

I will wait my turn

Turning myself

Outward

Instead

---

written June 2011

Connected

It sounds so far away

The daily news

Of daily horror

I thank G-d

My life continues

It's regular routine

Yet something in me

Cries in pain

There is a deep connection

To something

Somewhere

Which is weeping and hurt

A dreadful feeling

Fills my insides

It is a reminder of something

But what?

There is a connection

So profound

That ties me together

To others, our brothers

Around the globe

That connection is mine

As it is theirs

We cry for salvation

Together

I do not know their names

But my soul knows theirs

That is our connection

---

written 2005

Good Morning G-d!

Together we spend our day

Sharing food, sharing clothes

Thoughts and feelings we both know

But tonight we each part

Our separate way-

"Good night," he says

"Good night G-d," I say

Morning comes bright and clear

Together running here and there

While he tries to sadden, weaken, despair

This morning too we will part

Sharing one body but not one heart

'Good morning," he says

"Good morning G-d," I say

---

written 2002

Flooded

Over flooded

Mops and buckets

Cannot help

But simple distraction

A positive action

Soaks up the flood

Of negative tears

It's a constant struggle

Like pouring rain

That does not stop

But distractions can come

I can find them

If only I choose

To not get wet

---

written May 2011

Moments in Time

Right this second

I struggle

And right this second

I choose

To tell myself

As many times

As I need

That G-d understands me

He knows I'm in pain

G-d loves me 

G-d cares about me

My pains and my joys

I am not alone-

With this positive thought

I push myself

To get up

And do 

Just one positive action

This will help me

Win the next second's struggle

Too

---

written May 2011

Answers

Answers lie within your heart

Yet sometimes

Too deep inside to reach

But strength will come

From the desperation of your situation

You will know just what is right

But sometimes answers do not exist

Not in you or any being

Only G-d controls those things

Those which G-d Himself

Wishes to attend to

So when you are left all alone

Without any answers

Know that Someone better

Is holding your heart

---

written 2006

Hurting Hurts

You hate me

You haunt me

You hurt me

But why?

You don't know me

You don't care to

You just judge me

For what I do

But you seem worse off

Because you're full of pain

As you taunt and mimic

You lose your own game

I know the truth

Why you hurt me so

You're hurting so bad

You cover up, but it shows

You barely manage

To live in your skin

Just be a little honest

And accept what's within

You'll learn to laugh

To love and to give

You'll stop hurting so bad

And only then

Can you learn how to live

---

written 2003

Zeide

I never saw you

Yet I feel like I've known you forever

I never heard your voice

Yet I feel like it's ringing clearly in my mind

I never spent time with you

Yet I heard about the special things you'd do

I never shared my joys and pains with you

Yet I know when I sing or cry, you do too

I never understood who you are

Until I lost someone I loved

Now I know that as much as I can't see you

You can see me

Now I know that I love you

Just as you love me

---

written 2004