My Grounding Exercise

Overwhelmed

With vulnerability,

I rest and focus

Quietly.

Grounding myself,

I look around me.

Faces, searching my eyes,

My family.

I've created a place

With people and love.

I want to nourish it more,

It's never enough.

To learn every detail

How to fill ourselves up,

Because you are my people

And this is my life.

I ground myself, listening

To playful laughter.

We've created this,

For always, forever after.

My husband and I,

Partners of life,

Dedicated to keep trying

Together husband and wife.

I ground myself, 

I smell the new soap,

I notice because I'm alive

And I want to know.

I want to be present

For each moment together,

I want to show up

Because there is no way better.

I ground myself,

Gently touch your face

I pull you in

For a tight embrace.

Feeling your heart

Beat against my chest

I know this is living,

Simply doing our best.

To learn and to listen,

Apologize and consider,

Question and feel,

Show up together.

I ground myself,  breathe in.

Pain is part of growing,

Breathe out, let go

My heart, overflowing.

---

Written 2022

A Desperate Prayer

Exhausted, in pain, all alone.

Confused how to begin

To seek out some calm, some sanity.

I question myself within.

Convinced there's more,

I feel it surrounding,

Stepping beyond, I touch, wondering-

My soul yearns for more, senses on fire,

I'm thirsting to know,

Consumed by desire.

I wait and feel and reach out again

Crying, I beg for mercy.

To understand with clarity,

Struggling to finally live free.

How can I get up? Where do I go?

I need answers, I need to know!

Help me! Help me! Help me to see!

I desperately pray,

I humbly plea.

I know You're there, waiting for me,

Creator of all beings!

Comfort my soul, show me the way.

I cannot bear the pain!

But where, oh where can I find You?

When I cannot see, blinded, confused,

Beyond me, direction, meaning and truth?

I need inspiration-

It's only from You.

Show me the way,

To inner peace.

I let go of control,      r e l e a s e - 

I admit I'm absorbed, humanly 

But I'm here to ask, so please!

My spirit inside

Strives for survival,

Urging me forward

To pray for Your guidance.

Gift me vision,

I seek out Your face.

A blind, broken creation 

In need of Your grace.

---

Written 2022

Hello

Goodbye to a taste of fresh air

Hello to a wave of relief

Goodbye to a rush of hurting

Flushing out my grief.

Hello to the mirror of my soul

Hard glass protecting the heart

Goodbye to a moment of pleasure

Hello again, we restart.

Goodbye to black and white,

Speeding into oblivion.

Hello to life, in all it's greys,

Truth amidst distraction.

Goodbye to pulling 

Back and forth, endlessly.

Hello to mindfulness, 

Strength and bravery.

Goodbye to losing myself

Engulfed in pain.

Hello to hope, 

To trust again.

Hello my love,

Goodbye silence from each other.

Hello, today, tomorrow

Connected forever.

---

Written 2022

I'll Sing You a Lullaby

Today is ending,

My heart, full and heavy.

Yet the glowing moon

Shines strong throughout the night-

Reflecting back on

the events of my day,

I close my eyes

And sense your joy and light.

Shmuli, 

I know that you are watching over me,

By my side and smiling bright

From everything you see-

For, no matter where I am,

How uncomfortable I feel,

I hold your love, 

Your strength, your joy-

You smile and I heal.

Our love will never fade away,

Soul strings tied to each other.

You're beating in my heart

To remind me that we're together,

To own my truth,

Show up today,

Through delight and sorrow.

Good night, 

I sleep knowing

We'll sing again,

 Tomorrow.

---

Written 2022

Keeping My Chin Up

 No space for me to breathe,

I'm suffocating as I suck in.

The walls; crumbling around me.

Im trapped inside my skin.

I fear to show myself 

Beyond the mirror of my room,

Chancing hurt and mockery,

My vulnerability is doomed.

I grimace, as I know 

I'm not as graceful as I wish.

And others don't understand

The courage it takes to show my face.

With tears rolling down my chin,

I stand up tall, for me-

I explain my hurt and my needs

I claim my dignity.

The discomfort is my reminder

That my heart is still beating strong,

And I am a brave fighter,

And I am proud to sing my song.

---

Written 2021

Deep Breaths

I want desperately to be okay,

I want to shake off the heaviness from my chest.

I want to smile, to feel joy,

But I can't get there yet.

The pain cuts so deep,

The wound's too fresh to heal.

It's raw and sore, 

I've never felt more broken.

It seems invisible to the world,

Ambiguous, so unreal.

I need to shout, so I can hear

-so I can finally believe and listen.

The pain of love, of loss,

Of isolation and despair,

Cuts my heart into pieces

I'm not convinced can be repaired.

I want to be okay, to laugh,

Enjoy the sunshine,

I want to learn to heal myself,

Give myself whatever amount of time.

I think I've found a way,

For me to be okay.

Allowing myself to stay present,

And be okay with not being okay.

---

Written 2021

Running Out of Breath

As my feet bring me closer,

I feel an uninhibited need to run

Far far away,

Where no one can see me,

Or question me 

With "How are you?"

The walls seem to lean inward,

Trapping me inside with all my fears.

Fears of what, I haven't figured out.

But fear is staring me down.

And I'm blinking. 

Holding back the tears

Of feeling inadequate, just trying To step forward.

My chest is tight.

I feel constricted by my clothes.

As if taking them off would fix this sensation

Of suffocation and overwhelm.

I didn't run away

Yet I stopped and can't look up.

Help!

---

Written 2021

Perspective

 I am deeply disturbed

With a pit in my gut,

I am dizzy with distaste

For what my senses pick up-

There's something so wrong

With the way things are said,

Something fundamentally missing,

The facade, the mask is presented instead.

There's no understanding

Of what's going on inside,

There's a basic lacking 

To understand _why_

Defenses go up

And walls protect the heart

From feelings so vulnerable, 

Not aware how to begin to start;

To listen, to sit,

To question and wonder

-what is it about?

-how can I do better?

There's a mounding layer

Full of BS

That causes hurt and confusion,

Then, relationships regress.

I sit in overwhelm, 

I try to hold space,

For all of this pain,

For all the mistakes.

I want to forgive 

Our human flaws,

I want to have compassion

For when we each fall.

I want to shine light,

On the brave and insecure,

That pushes through 

Even when so unsure.

The simple knowledge of knowing,

That I am doing good,

Is what I hold on to,

When there's so much should & could.

With a weary head 

And an aching heart,

I breathe deeply, close my eyes,

And stay still with it all,

Keeping myself company

Until I'm ready to get up again.

---

Written 2022

You Couldn't Understand

Isolation, darkness.

Pain tugging on the veins

Surrounding my heart.

Squeezing, choking 

Until my heart is numb

To all that feels too much.

Silence, booming loud,

Echoing through tunnels

Of lost hopes

"It's not even so bad

It might even be okay"

Bellows the mockery

Pressuring me to hibernate.

I can't explain the intensity

Flattening my lines,

I am so darn tired

From needing to restart.

I'm escaping, floating

Away from reality.

Loosing my grip

On my sanity.

Constantly running

Trying to catch up,

But I just don't want to right now

I just give up

---

Written 2022

I'm Sorry

I wish I could apologize

And erase my mistakes

And with it, feel light and free.

Life doesn't work that way.

Pain is heavy. Pulling me down, 

Down, deep.

My mind is elsewhere,

Absorbed in trying to understand,

Experiences so layered with complex feelings. 

I'm distracted, trying to make sense of the world

Spinning around me.

Knives, sharp and swift.

Stabbing my heart.

Bloodless, I clean up my wounds

With nothingness, 

Darkness,

Soundless.

I need time, the kind that doesn't end.

To unwind, rewind,

And wind back up;

Prepare myself 

To face the faces of hurt

Of the people I love.

Soon, soon. 

I just need time.

---

Written 2022