A Time to Mourn

Sitting with the photo album,

I'm trying desperately to remember.

I want to hold on to each moment,

Keep it alive in my beating heart.

I smile at your boyish grin,

Recalling what a handful you were,

But also the epitome of authenticity

With whatever it was you thought or felt.

I felt the love in you,

Even when you were unsure how to let it out;

Us both understanding there wasn't always space

To unashamedly feel.

I feel you.

These childish memories

Are how I know you.

Our grown up years

Were filled with miles in between us.

I can't even say I know 

Your favorite ice cream flavor.

It feels contradictory;

Not knowing how you spent your days,

Yet knowing you in my heart.

You're my hero-

You fought like a warrior.

The pain you held onto

Fills the universe.

The sadness in your eyes

Fills mine too.

I am honored to be your big sister.

I wish I could have seen your face more often, but-

I've always had your heart 

And you have mine too,

Forever.

---

Written 2021

Beatings of the Heart

 Damn you for dying!

I hate that you're gone.

You left me here with only memories.

I reach out my hand 

To touch your face

But it's only the glossy photo

In your place.

Your voice echos in my mind,

I hear the smile in your voice.

I get to choose the words you say,

Telling me how you are okay,

And you are right here with me,

Even though my eyes can't see,

Not just because I'm blinded by tears.

I wrap you in a hug, 

And feel your embrace all around.

I feel you touch my heart,

Allowing it to keep on beating,

You and me

Together, forever.

Xoxo

---

Written 2021

Lost at Sea

 Sometimes I'm drowning- in despair;

It's hopeless to try and explain.

There's so much tension, so much confusion

And so much intense pain.

Our wave lengths don't cross paths,

We can't see eye to eye;

I feel so blind, so deaf, so mute,

I don't even know how to try.

Flailing to stay above water,

I need air, I need to breathe!

I can't look back at all the wreckage,

I can't take you to shore with me.

I struggle to swim away,

I center myself to stay afloat.

I know I cannot save you,

Just send you a rescue boat.

I hope you remember what we've learned

And keep fighting for air too,

I hope you have the strength

To survive this storm for you.

---

Written 2021

Sweet Dreams

 I'm so tired, 

My head's starting to spin.

I want to drift off but my mind won't let.

I'm restless, having already returned from a bathroom trip.

I'm propped up with my pillows,

Convincing myself to put down my phone,

But the pull is magnetic,

And I don't know how to exist on my own. 

My mind is full of worries,

From the to do list in my brain.

And even with all I checked off today,

It won't let me rest or be sane.

Rambling and repeating,

Wondering and over-checking,

I want to sleep, but only get some,

When I'm overexerted from the obsessing.

Deep breaths, deep pain, resurfacing,

The loneliness seeps through.

Damn it! Here it comes,

The tears from facing my truth.

I don't want to cry, to know,

How sad I feel tonight.

I just want sleep, get some reprieve,

I want to be alright.

Deep breaths, deep breaths,

Deep sighs, and wiped tears.

I already faced my ugly truths,

Now there's no need for nightmares.

I can sleep content, knowing 

I showed up for myself tonight.

I did my best, and that's enough

Enough to say "good night".

---

Written 2021

My Self Affirmation

 I quickly lose my patience,

My senses are all on fire!

My heart is racing past me

Leaving me panting,

Bent out of shape.

Feeling needed to show up,

To keep peace and stability,

Is so overwhelming,

I keep ducking for cover.

Literally.

The sounds, the movement, the lights,

Probe and push me around.

I seem too delicate to stay exposed,

I may shatter into a million pieces-

Shards of glass.

This can't be right.

This definitely feels not okay.

How damaging am I to those around me?

How do I learn to live this way?

I want to feel sane!

The guilt is eating at me,

I'm almost hollowed out.

The pain of feeling inadequate

Tortures me with self doubt.

...I start to wonder;

Is this what it means to be human?

Do we all struggle this way?

I'm embarrassed that you know me,

That I can't get dressed,

Not today or yesterday.

I've learned to switch my inner dialogue,

Force in another voice to speak too.

Make my inner battle fair,

Give myself a chance.

Speak up and speak my truth.

I don't feel real good at it,

Most times I mock this game,

But I'm playing now

Since it's all I've got.

And deep down, I believe I'm worth it.

---

Written 2021

Crossroads

Maybe it's the feeling

Of having no control-

Knowing G-d is moving all the pieces,

And it's been a while since we've seen eye to eye.

Residual hurt, betrayal.

Pain too ambiguous to explain,

Throws me spiraling down deep.

I'm running out of air.

The burden too heavy to carry,

Protecting little, precious hearts.

Fighting a fight that I just can't win,

I wonder why I keep trying.

I've lost reason to believe,

I've lost faith in His comfort.

I've lost stability to stand 

for too long.

My growing baby, now so big

Watching her struggle from deep within.

How can I guide her, when I am lost, too?

All I have is overflowing love,

My heart, aching to hold her close.

All I have is tears of pain and tears of pride.

I tell her "I am here".

The only thing I know for sure

Is that I won't give up for her.

The only thing that matters

Is holding on to each other.

I am here.

---

Written 2022

Getting Out of My Head

 It's so hard to talk

To utter the words

Because it's admitting

Just how much it hurts.

My ridicule,  blame,

Each inexcusable excuse,

Bashes me down,

My own self abuse.

Pressuring myself 

To do more than I can,

Feeling inadequate,

Because I can't. 

Trying to protect

My tormented heart.

From itself

It's ripped apart.

I'm tense, I'm quiet,

I'm listening

To each voice,

My shallow breathing.

Both voices are trying

To protect me from pain.

Just one is still unaware

Of how to reframe.

It's hard to rewire 

An old damaged machine,

But I'm going to try

Even though I will cry,

Even though it will hurt

From the electric shock,

Even though I will pull back,

And forget how to talk.

I know how this goes

And I trust that I can,

Just like I'm doing it now,

As I write out this plan.

It'll take time, 

and self respect

As I recycle, not regress

When I feel inadequate.

---

Written 2022

Humble & Human

I'm breathing, but just barely

I'm alive! I can survive!

My aches, my pains

Twist my tortured mind

The tears keep surging.

Im still breathing

It hurts to feel, to touch, to see

I need solitude in a bubble and float away

I feel guilty I'm not strong enough

To let you be unchecked.

I'm so fragile, immobile

I close my eyes

I can't learn to heal today

So I let my self float away

And that's okay.

---

Written 2021

Sing Me a Lullaby

I want to stomp my feet and throw things,

Smash the world to smithereens,

The world that took you away from me

So unforgivingly.

I don't have the strength

To kick and scream it out,

But my heart is bursting

Leaving me twisted inside out.

My tears don't seem to run dry,

And I know that when they do

I'll have entered a new phase,

A new ugly place,

Where no one can see the gaping hole,

Or understand what's missing.

Tonight, I'll bring you with me

Into my dreams, 

So my tears can rest,

And my heavy chest,

Can have a break till morning.

---

Written 2021

Our Invisible String

Your voice echos in my mind

You feel so far away

Yet I feel you feeling free and smiling.

You're surrounding me and checking in,

Free to stay all day,

No need to rush away.

You sit inside my thoughts

As I share my days routine.

You feel content and I feel blessed

To carry you with me.

---

Written 2021