A Desperate Prayer

Exhausted, in pain, all alone.

Confused how to begin

To seek out some calm, some sanity.

I question myself within.

Convinced there's more,

I feel it surrounding,

Stepping beyond, I touch, wondering-

My soul yearns for more, senses on fire,

I'm thirsting to know,

Consumed by desire.

I wait and feel and reach out again

Crying, I beg for mercy.

To understand with clarity,

Struggling to finally live free.

How can I get up? Where do I go?

I need answers, I need to know!

Help me! Help me! Help me to see!

I desperately pray,

I humbly plea.

I know You're there, waiting for me,

Creator of all beings!

Comfort my soul, show me the way.

I cannot bear the pain!

But where, oh where can I find You?

When I cannot see, blinded, confused,

Beyond me, direction, meaning and truth?

I need inspiration-

It's only from You.

Show me the way,

To inner peace.

I let go of control,      r e l e a s e - 

I admit I'm absorbed, humanly 

But I'm here to ask, so please!

My spirit inside

Strives for survival,

Urging me forward

To pray for Your guidance.

Gift me vision,

I seek out Your face.

A blind, broken creation 

In need of Your grace.

---

Written 2022

Hello

Goodbye to a taste of fresh air

Hello to a wave of relief

Goodbye to a rush of hurting

Flushing out my grief.

Hello to the mirror of my soul

Hard glass protecting the heart

Goodbye to a moment of pleasure

Hello again, we restart.

Goodbye to black and white,

Speeding into oblivion.

Hello to life, in all it's greys,

Truth amidst distraction.

Goodbye to pulling 

Back and forth, endlessly.

Hello to mindfulness, 

Strength and bravery.

Goodbye to losing myself

Engulfed in pain.

Hello to hope, 

To trust again.

Hello my love,

Goodbye silence from each other.

Hello, today, tomorrow

Connected forever.

---

Written 2022

I'll Sing You a Lullaby

Today is ending,

My heart, full and heavy.

Yet the glowing moon

Shines strong throughout the night-

Reflecting back on

the events of my day,

I close my eyes

And sense your joy and light.

Shmuli, 

I know that you are watching over me,

By my side and smiling bright

From everything you see-

For, no matter where I am,

How uncomfortable I feel,

I hold your love, 

Your strength, your joy-

You smile and I heal.

Our love will never fade away,

Soul strings tied to each other.

You're beating in my heart

To remind me that we're together,

To own my truth,

Show up today,

Through delight and sorrow.

Good night, 

I sleep knowing

We'll sing again,

 Tomorrow.

---

Written 2022

Keeping My Chin Up

 No space for me to breathe,

I'm suffocating as I suck in.

The walls; crumbling around me.

Im trapped inside my skin.

I fear to show myself 

Beyond the mirror of my room,

Chancing hurt and mockery,

My vulnerability is doomed.

I grimace, as I know 

I'm not as graceful as I wish.

And others don't understand

The courage it takes to show my face.

With tears rolling down my chin,

I stand up tall, for me-

I explain my hurt and my needs

I claim my dignity.

The discomfort is my reminder

That my heart is still beating strong,

And I am a brave fighter,

And I am proud to sing my song.

---

Written 2021

Deep Breaths

I want desperately to be okay,

I want to shake off the heaviness from my chest.

I want to smile, to feel joy,

But I can't get there yet.

The pain cuts so deep,

The wound's too fresh to heal.

It's raw and sore, 

I've never felt more broken.

It seems invisible to the world,

Ambiguous, so unreal.

I need to shout, so I can hear

-so I can finally believe and listen.

The pain of love, of loss,

Of isolation and despair,

Cuts my heart into pieces

I'm not convinced can be repaired.

I want to be okay, to laugh,

Enjoy the sunshine,

I want to learn to heal myself,

Give myself whatever amount of time.

I think I've found a way,

For me to be okay.

Allowing myself to stay present,

And be okay with not being okay.

---

Written 2021

Running Out of Breath

As my feet bring me closer,

I feel an uninhibited need to run

Far far away,

Where no one can see me,

Or question me 

With "How are you?"

The walls seem to lean inward,

Trapping me inside with all my fears.

Fears of what, I haven't figured out.

But fear is staring me down.

And I'm blinking. 

Holding back the tears

Of feeling inadequate, just trying To step forward.

My chest is tight.

I feel constricted by my clothes.

As if taking them off would fix this sensation

Of suffocation and overwhelm.

I didn't run away

Yet I stopped and can't look up.

Help!

---

Written 2021

Perspective

 I am deeply disturbed

With a pit in my gut,

I am dizzy with distaste

For what my senses pick up-

There's something so wrong

With the way things are said,

Something fundamentally missing,

The facade, the mask is presented instead.

There's no understanding

Of what's going on inside,

There's a basic lacking 

To understand _why_

Defenses go up

And walls protect the heart

From feelings so vulnerable, 

Not aware how to begin to start;

To listen, to sit,

To question and wonder

-what is it about?

-how can I do better?

There's a mounding layer

Full of BS

That causes hurt and confusion,

Then, relationships regress.

I sit in overwhelm, 

I try to hold space,

For all of this pain,

For all the mistakes.

I want to forgive 

Our human flaws,

I want to have compassion

For when we each fall.

I want to shine light,

On the brave and insecure,

That pushes through 

Even when so unsure.

The simple knowledge of knowing,

That I am doing good,

Is what I hold on to,

When there's so much should & could.

With a weary head 

And an aching heart,

I breathe deeply, close my eyes,

And stay still with it all,

Keeping myself company

Until I'm ready to get up again.

---

Written 2022

You Couldn't Understand

Isolation, darkness.

Pain tugging on the veins

Surrounding my heart.

Squeezing, choking 

Until my heart is numb

To all that feels too much.

Silence, booming loud,

Echoing through tunnels

Of lost hopes

"It's not even so bad

It might even be okay"

Bellows the mockery

Pressuring me to hibernate.

I can't explain the intensity

Flattening my lines,

I am so darn tired

From needing to restart.

I'm escaping, floating

Away from reality.

Loosing my grip

On my sanity.

Constantly running

Trying to catch up,

But I just don't want to right now

I just give up

---

Written 2022

I'm Sorry

I wish I could apologize

And erase my mistakes

And with it, feel light and free.

Life doesn't work that way.

Pain is heavy. Pulling me down, 

Down, deep.

My mind is elsewhere,

Absorbed in trying to understand,

Experiences so layered with complex feelings. 

I'm distracted, trying to make sense of the world

Spinning around me.

Knives, sharp and swift.

Stabbing my heart.

Bloodless, I clean up my wounds

With nothingness, 

Darkness,

Soundless.

I need time, the kind that doesn't end.

To unwind, rewind,

And wind back up;

Prepare myself 

To face the faces of hurt

Of the people I love.

Soon, soon. 

I just need time.

---

Written 2022

A Time to Mourn

Sitting with the photo album,

I'm trying desperately to remember.

I want to hold on to each moment,

Keep it alive in my beating heart.

I smile at your boyish grin,

Recalling what a handful you were,

But also the epitome of authenticity

With whatever it was you thought or felt.

I felt the love in you,

Even when you were unsure how to let it out;

Us both understanding there wasn't always space

To unashamedly feel.

I feel you.

These childish memories

Are how I know you.

Our grown up years

Were filled with miles in between us.

I can't even say I know 

Your favorite ice cream flavor.

It feels contradictory;

Not knowing how you spent your days,

Yet knowing you in my heart.

You're my hero-

You fought like a warrior.

The pain you held onto

Fills the universe.

The sadness in your eyes

Fills mine too.

I am honored to be your big sister.

I wish I could have seen your face more often, but-

I've always had your heart 

And you have mine too,

Forever.

---

Written 2021

Beatings of the Heart

 Damn you for dying!

I hate that you're gone.

You left me here with only memories.

I reach out my hand 

To touch your face

But it's only the glossy photo

In your place.

Your voice echos in my mind,

I hear the smile in your voice.

I get to choose the words you say,

Telling me how you are okay,

And you are right here with me,

Even though my eyes can't see,

Not just because I'm blinded by tears.

I wrap you in a hug, 

And feel your embrace all around.

I feel you touch my heart,

Allowing it to keep on beating,

You and me

Together, forever.

Xoxo

---

Written 2021

Lost at Sea

 Sometimes I'm drowning- in despair;

It's hopeless to try and explain.

There's so much tension, so much confusion

And so much intense pain.

Our wave lengths don't cross paths,

We can't see eye to eye;

I feel so blind, so deaf, so mute,

I don't even know how to try.

Flailing to stay above water,

I need air, I need to breathe!

I can't look back at all the wreckage,

I can't take you to shore with me.

I struggle to swim away,

I center myself to stay afloat.

I know I cannot save you,

Just send you a rescue boat.

I hope you remember what we've learned

And keep fighting for air too,

I hope you have the strength

To survive this storm for you.

---

Written 2021

Sweet Dreams

 I'm so tired, 

My head's starting to spin.

I want to drift off but my mind won't let.

I'm restless, having already returned from a bathroom trip.

I'm propped up with my pillows,

Convincing myself to put down my phone,

But the pull is magnetic,

And I don't know how to exist on my own. 

My mind is full of worries,

From the to do list in my brain.

And even with all I checked off today,

It won't let me rest or be sane.

Rambling and repeating,

Wondering and over-checking,

I want to sleep, but only get some,

When I'm overexerted from the obsessing.

Deep breaths, deep pain, resurfacing,

The loneliness seeps through.

Damn it! Here it comes,

The tears from facing my truth.

I don't want to cry, to know,

How sad I feel tonight.

I just want sleep, get some reprieve,

I want to be alright.

Deep breaths, deep breaths,

Deep sighs, and wiped tears.

I already faced my ugly truths,

Now there's no need for nightmares.

I can sleep content, knowing 

I showed up for myself tonight.

I did my best, and that's enough

Enough to say "good night".

---

Written 2021

My Self Affirmation

 I quickly lose my patience,

My senses are all on fire!

My heart is racing past me

Leaving me panting,

Bent out of shape.

Feeling needed to show up,

To keep peace and stability,

Is so overwhelming,

I keep ducking for cover.

Literally.

The sounds, the movement, the lights,

Probe and push me around.

I seem too delicate to stay exposed,

I may shatter into a million pieces-

Shards of glass.

This can't be right.

This definitely feels not okay.

How damaging am I to those around me?

How do I learn to live this way?

I want to feel sane!

The guilt is eating at me,

I'm almost hollowed out.

The pain of feeling inadequate

Tortures me with self doubt.

...I start to wonder;

Is this what it means to be human?

Do we all struggle this way?

I'm embarrassed that you know me,

That I can't get dressed,

Not today or yesterday.

I've learned to switch my inner dialogue,

Force in another voice to speak too.

Make my inner battle fair,

Give myself a chance.

Speak up and speak my truth.

I don't feel real good at it,

Most times I mock this game,

But I'm playing now

Since it's all I've got.

And deep down, I believe I'm worth it.

---

Written 2021

Crossroads

Maybe it's the feeling

Of having no control-

Knowing G-d is moving all the pieces,

And it's been a while since we've seen eye to eye.

Residual hurt, betrayal.

Pain too ambiguous to explain,

Throws me spiraling down deep.

I'm running out of air.

The burden too heavy to carry,

Protecting little, precious hearts.

Fighting a fight that I just can't win,

I wonder why I keep trying.

I've lost reason to believe,

I've lost faith in His comfort.

I've lost stability to stand 

for too long.

My growing baby, now so big

Watching her struggle from deep within.

How can I guide her, when I am lost, too?

All I have is overflowing love,

My heart, aching to hold her close.

All I have is tears of pain and tears of pride.

I tell her "I am here".

The only thing I know for sure

Is that I won't give up for her.

The only thing that matters

Is holding on to each other.

I am here.

---

Written 2022

Getting Out of My Head

 It's so hard to talk

To utter the words

Because it's admitting

Just how much it hurts.

My ridicule,  blame,

Each inexcusable excuse,

Bashes me down,

My own self abuse.

Pressuring myself 

To do more than I can,

Feeling inadequate,

Because I can't. 

Trying to protect

My tormented heart.

From itself

It's ripped apart.

I'm tense, I'm quiet,

I'm listening

To each voice,

My shallow breathing.

Both voices are trying

To protect me from pain.

Just one is still unaware

Of how to reframe.

It's hard to rewire 

An old damaged machine,

But I'm going to try

Even though I will cry,

Even though it will hurt

From the electric shock,

Even though I will pull back,

And forget how to talk.

I know how this goes

And I trust that I can,

Just like I'm doing it now,

As I write out this plan.

It'll take time, 

and self respect

As I recycle, not regress

When I feel inadequate.

---

Written 2022