Dead Silence

I'm tired of trying
To communicate.
It feels like there are brick walls
In your place.

Trying to break through
So you can hear
How desperate I am
For you to care.

There's no echo, there's no sound
There's only emptiness all around.
You don't look, you can't see
How so untouchable you are to me.

I scream in hope of getting through
I try until my face turns blue
But nothing makes you turn around,
You just can't seem to understand.

I'm tired of trying to find a way
To help you see I've got something to say,
Maybe I'll leave it for another day,
Today we'll go our separate ways

In dead silence.
---
Written 2017

Can I Let You Go?

I feel so sad when I see you;
For some reason my heart is pulled towards you,
But I look at you
And feel pushed away.

We joke, we laugh
But inside I cry,
I force down the lump in my throat,
I convince myself to move on.

You've created a facade.
A hard, cold, unbreakable facade.
I can't reach you, yet I keep trying,
And it hurts me every time.

So I wonder, is it time I say Goodbye?
---
written 2017

In Your Corner

I want to hold you
Protect you from harm
I want to shield you from pain.
I want you to know you're never alone
Whatever you feel, I feel the same.

I can't chase your demons
I can't fight your wars
But I can stand by you as you do
I won't sit down until you can rest
Because you're not alone. I love you.

---

written 2016

Blame Game

It's easy to blame you for everything
It makes me feel righteous and justified.
When I stop for a moment I can admit
I have you to blame because you're here.

You're always around because you're right by my side
You're always doing it wrong because you're doing what you can
You keep giving and I keep taking
And still you haven't given up on me.

I blame you because I'm hurting inside
And push you away because I can't have you close
I can't handle the pain of feeling alone
So I numb it with anger and shame.

I want to apologize. To make it right
I need you to know I'm defeated
I need you to see I'm trying to change
Because you don't deserve how I treat you.

There's so much good I want to share
So much to feel yet I'm scared
So much to love and so much to accept
So thank you for believing in me.

---

written 2016

Blinded

Where am I going?
What am I doing?
I feel lost, confused, unsure.

Even of how I feel,
Is it real?

What evidence do I need
To prove to myself
That I can succeed?

This endless pressure
Of needing more,
Better, better!

I can't keep up 
With my wishful demands,
I can't stand up to my ridiculous plans.

I'm tired, confused and lonely for sure,
I need reassurance 
Of what this is for.

Can you see me? I'm lost!
Can you hear me call out?

Please search till you find me,
Unless you've forgotten too
What this is all about.
---
written 2016

You're Calling

You call. I hear the ringing in my ears.
I feel you pulling at my heart.
But I can't take your calls.

Your voice tricks me into obedience,
Belittling me, until I forget my stance;
What I believe, what I need, who I am.

You dismiss my words, disregard my time;
Leaving me to constantly pick up the pieces.
So I'm done. With you.

You don't want to hear the truth.
I won't waste my breath telling you.
Let my silence answer your questions.
---
written 2016

Out of Control

I pride myself on being in control
I love the feeling of predictability
I cringe when things fall apart
Keeping it all together is far from easy.

I like to present a put together front
Where there's rules and methods that flow
I need to know I can count on that
So I'm steady as I tread through the unknown.

Yet the inevitable is bound to come
When life throws me for a loop
Some outcomes are beyond my reach
I've failed and need to regroup.

As I pull myself together
It becomes clear what went so wrong
It is not I who can control my world
I've been in denial all along.

As much as I despise my discomfort
I see now how pretending hurts me more
I finally sense relief
When I admit that there is more.

Beyond my mind, my carefullness
Beyond my trying and success
There's a Power greater than my failures and triumphs
Only He can clean up my mess.

When I'm floundering, desperately searching
For control, peace, clarity
I can look beyond myself
Send a prayer to G-d to help me.

I've tried this new idea
I'm filled with wonder and relief
Because finally I don't need control
Everything's okay with G-d taking care of me.
---
written 2015

War of Masks, Masks of War

Walls go up 

I can't let you close

I can't let you know

I can't break them down-

I can't break down.

I can't let you see

My tears, my pain

I can't let you touch 

My heart so raw

I can't because I can't because I can't.

I just know what to do

To keep my head up to fight

I can't let the guard down

It'll confuse me

Distort my version of right.

With my mask on 

You wouldn't see me

But then I could tell you

All that you ask about

All that I hold so tight

I can't let you know

I can't let it go

There's no where for it to go

You can't take it away

Anyway

It will stay with me

Keeping me company

In my loneliness, in my tiredness

I'm filled so full, yet with emptiness

So raw, so heavy, for so long.

Slowly I pour it out before you

When I find the courage to tell you

But the fear keeps pulling 

Me back and forth

Today I lost another war.

Today I held back even more

Because the thought of sharing

What hurts so bad

Makes it too real, 

Too taunting, too sad.

I swallow it whole, deep in a hole

Under layers of tears, and tears left unshed

               but I'm not done fighting,

      I need to try again

I'm not done fighting, not until the end.

---

written 2015

HIJACK

I've turned everyone into enemies

And now I’m so alone,

I’m shooting down all my friends

Behind the fortress of my home.

I can’t look them in the eye

And try to understand

Because I’m busy defending, offending,

There’s no one left who can.

I’m dangerous with my weapons

Of cold words and harsh replies

And when I stop, I’m aghast

While I fumble to rectify

All of my mistakes;

Creating such pain

I’m so miserable and desperate

I want to hijack the next plane

Then I can demand they all listen

Be forced to see I’m just hurt and confused

And instead of trying to explain,

I lashed out and caused them their wounds.

Then I’d look them in the eyes

And they’d be forced to see

That I am no monster

-Just a very scared, little, me.

---

Written 2015

Mother's Love

Sometimes I forget to look in your eyes.
I get distracted by your words, your voice, your actions
I forget that when you yell it's because something doesn't feel right inside.

I am your mother. I ought to notice.
I'm trying to listen to what you haven't learned how to say
I want to give you what you're missing.

You feel things you don't understand
You try to make do with what you can
But sometimes, little girl, it's too much for your little being.

Come close, my love, let me hold you
Cry, I will wipe your tears
Let me see your innocent eyes.

Your smile appears on your face
You feel the comfort of my embrace
You own the love of your mother's heart; you keep it beating.

This is what I live to do
To give and love and protect
I'm here, my child, I'm always here for you.
---
written 2015