War of Masks, Masks of War

Walls go up 

I can't let you close

I can't let you know

I can't break them down-

I can't break down.

I can't let you see

My tears, my pain

I can't let you touch 

My heart so raw

I can't because I can't because I can't.

I just know what to do

To keep my head up to fight

I can't let the guard down

It'll confuse me

Distort my version of right.

With my mask on 

You wouldn't see me

But then I could tell you

All that you ask about

All that I hold so tight

I can't let you know

I can't let it go

There's no where for it to go

You can't take it away

Anyway

It will stay with me

Keeping me company

In my loneliness, in my tiredness

I'm filled so full, yet with emptiness

So raw, so heavy, for so long.

Slowly I pour it out before you

When I find the courage to tell you

But the fear keeps pulling 

Me back and forth

Today I lost another war.

Today I held back even more

Because the thought of sharing

What hurts so bad

Makes it too real, 

Too taunting, too sad.

I swallow it whole, deep in a hole

Under layers of tears, and tears left unshed

               but I'm not done fighting,

      I need to try again

I'm not done fighting, not until the end.

---

written 2015