Out of Control

I pride myself on being in control
I love the feeling of predictability
I cringe when things fall apart
Keeping it all together is far from easy.

I like to present a put together front
Where there's rules and methods that flow
I need to know I can count on that
So I'm steady as I tread through the unknown.

Yet the inevitable is bound to come
When life throws me for a loop
Some outcomes are beyond my reach
I've failed and need to regroup.

As I pull myself together
It becomes clear what went so wrong
It is not I who can control my world
I've been in denial all along.

As much as I despise my discomfort
I see now how pretending hurts me more
I finally sense relief
When I admit that there is more.

Beyond my mind, my carefullness
Beyond my trying and success
There's a Power greater than my failures and triumphs
Only He can clean up my mess.

When I'm floundering, desperately searching
For control, peace, clarity
I can look beyond myself
Send a prayer to G-d to help me.

I've tried this new idea
I'm filled with wonder and relief
Because finally I don't need control
Everything's okay with G-d taking care of me.
---
written 2015