I Admit, I Don't Know

I don't trust you
I don't understand you
I'm scared of you
I don't know you
Maybe because you don't know
Yourself;
Who are you?
What do you feel deep within your layers of defense
You seem to be screaming
"No one get too close!" 
Perhaps you'll feel
Your own pain, sorrow, fears and loss.
All I know about you
Is that you're hurting
But do you know?
I don't know if you do and I'm scared to find out
Because deep beyond my mind
I love you
Even though I haven't managed
The pain strangling my heart.
And I don't know what to do
With my anger and love
For you.
---
written 2013

Puppet Show

I feel like a puppet
Spineless; trying to be what others manipulate me to be
Can you really stuff back in
The feelings you just yanked out?
I don't know.
I don't feel the same-
I feel emptied
I released my vulnerability as well.
What will happen when you see
My tears,
What will you think
Once you see me in pain?
I'd be shamed if you'd pity me
I'd be at a loss for what to do
If you'd acknowledge me;
I'm not used to that
I've never honestly accepted validation.
Perhaps it's come too late
Once all I know
Is how to reject it.
I'm a hollow puppet
I hope to fill it
With stronger character
A new chance to be happy-
The show must go on.
---
written 2013

Empowered To Embrace My Life

It's hard to explain when I don't know what I feel
It's hard to admit that these feelings are real.
I'm scared to look in the mirror and see
My eyes and their depth; how far down it might be.
This heaviness, pain, loneliness, fear
Yet I'm blessed for my family that I treasure so dear.
And as much as they may not ever understand
They love me; I have them, I can move beyond
I am as strong as I will myself to be
My body will follow, if it's meant to be.
I am determined although I may fail
To get up again and again for each trial
And prove to myself; if no one else will know
That I own a place in this that is my own
And I will fill it with one hundred percent
With a smile on my face although I feel spent
Because I'm grateful for living and being loved
And for teaching myself I can if I must;
If I will it, I want it, I'll dig it out from inside

That will help me continue, I'll admit, with some pride!

I'm learning to love who I am inside
And acknowledge the power;
This moment is another chance to try.
---
written 2013

My Eyes, My Heart, My Soul

My eyes keep looking
Searching
Darting back and forth
For what; where does it exist
This thing to to fill it's void-
To forgive, to love, explain
How pain can be replaced
Not by shallow confusion
But by infinitely deep truth
Beyond my sight.
My eyes keep looking
Searching, seeking
Desperate to close in
Its tears, its fears
But seems forced to see
What lies around me;
Tears, tears, tears.
Without a choice
I've lost control
And somehow deep within
I know only one thing
Every tired tear
Soaks up His infinite heart
As He adds more of His own
Until my eyes, my heart, my soul
Feel sated with that knowledge
My eyes can rest
My heart beats slow
My mind relaxes
And this tiring journey
Seems not as painful
Because I own this moment
Of truth.
---
written 2013

A New Day, A New Life

The heaviness is suffocating
I fear I may never get up
I can't even see beyond my window
Where the sun shines down
For my neighbor.

The confusion in not knowing
When or if my turn will ever come
Depresses me so much
I've drained my well
Of tears.

But with the beating of my heart
Comes fresh new tears of hope
Only G-d knows from where
For certainly I do not
Own much.

G-d whispers in my ear
Squeezes my hand with tenderness
I haven't felt in years
I cry like the child
I feel I am.

Each day the sun comes up
He blows new breath in me
And I blow out a big sigh
To acknowledge Him
In return.

"OK," I whisper back
"I'll place my wobbly feet on the ground
And hold on tight
For strength
You see in me."

Never have I looked
Beyond the pain in my cloudy sky
Never have I believed
You were there
To find.

But today I've found my voice
To ask for help; belief
And I know that is all I need
To step forward
And move on.
---
written 2013

A Little Perspective

My head's finally clearing up

I can think straight and see

That life's just running full speed ahead

Not waiting up for me.

Lying in my hospital bed

Putting life on pause

I'm realizing how ordinarily human I am

I'm no larger than life Oz.

As much I want to be helpful

And accomplish more than my share

There's simply no way to succeed

Without ending up back here.

Finally I can say "Thank You G-d

For getting me out of my mistake

For showing me You, not me, is in charge.

-For this long needed, overdue break!"

---

written 2013

I Wish I Had Time

I wish I had time for everything

To sleep, to write, to get out.

I wish I had time for everyone

To talk, to laugh, to share.

I wish I had time I could capture

With moments I treasure most.

I wish I had time that allows me

To forget those embarrassing scenes.

I wish I had time to slow down

And focus on my life, right now.

I wish I could be time's master

Although I know how messy that would be.

Oh, I just wish for a few more moments

Before I move on with my responsibilities

-Some time to pamper me.

---

written 2013

Tears

Tears of joy, of gratefulness

Tears of longing and pain. 

Tears of prayer and regret

Tears of hope renewed.

Tears so salty, bitter and stained

Pouring from my heart.

Tears so sweet, so plentiful

Soak up your open arms.

Tears I share and let free

Unashamed as you search

My eyes.

I am here, awaiting

You to celebrate with me

With tears

Life, living it

With all we have

And sharing all we own.

---

written 2012

For You

For you

To make you happy

When it's too quiet

And you're left

With too much empty time.

A chance to remember

The great times we had

Our shared secrets, discussions

Laughter and work.

It's not gone, just carefully packaged

In our hearts

Creating a safe place for us

Whenever we need.

I'm glad we got the chance

To discover our friendship

And let it grow.

It's not gone, just carefully packaged

In our hearts.

---

written 2012

Gratefuls

There's so much to be grateful for

Even when many things are sad

I can't even count them all

And for that I'm mighty glad.

I just want to write some down

To remember when I forget

So I can thank G-d even when I'm confused

Miraculously, it helps me feel better.

I'm grateful for my gift to write

So I can share my heart with you

I'm thankful for my many friends

Of course that includes you!

I'm so happy for my family

That loves me more than I know

And I'm so grateful for today

Another chance to grow.

Another day to make a difference

In this sad, yet happy world

Another moment in time

A choice that I hold.

---

written 2012