My Self Affirmation

 I quickly lose my patience,

My senses are all on fire!

My heart is racing past me

Leaving me panting,

Bent out of shape.

Feeling needed to show up,

To keep peace and stability,

Is so overwhelming,

I keep ducking for cover.

Literally.

The sounds, the movement, the lights,

Probe and push me around.

I seem too delicate to stay exposed,

I may shatter into a million pieces-

Shards of glass.

This can't be right.

This definitely feels not okay.

How damaging am I to those around me?

How do I learn to live this way?

I want to feel sane!

The guilt is eating at me,

I'm almost hollowed out.

The pain of feeling inadequate

Tortures me with self doubt.

...I start to wonder;

Is this what it means to be human?

Do we all struggle this way?

I'm embarrassed that you know me,

That I can't get dressed,

Not today or yesterday.

I've learned to switch my inner dialogue,

Force in another voice to speak too.

Make my inner battle fair,

Give myself a chance.

Speak up and speak my truth.

I don't feel real good at it,

Most times I mock this game,

But I'm playing now

Since it's all I've got.

And deep down, I believe I'm worth it.

---

Written 2021

Crossroads

Maybe it's the feeling

Of having no control-

Knowing G-d is moving all the pieces,

And it's been a while since we've seen eye to eye.

Residual hurt, betrayal.

Pain too ambiguous to explain,

Throws me spiraling down deep.

I'm running out of air.

The burden too heavy to carry,

Protecting little, precious hearts.

Fighting a fight that I just can't win,

I wonder why I keep trying.

I've lost reason to believe,

I've lost faith in His comfort.

I've lost stability to stand 

for too long.

My growing baby, now so big

Watching her struggle from deep within.

How can I guide her, when I am lost, too?

All I have is overflowing love,

My heart, aching to hold her close.

All I have is tears of pain and tears of pride.

I tell her "I am here".

The only thing I know for sure

Is that I won't give up for her.

The only thing that matters

Is holding on to each other.

I am here.

---

Written 2022

Getting Out of My Head

 It's so hard to talk

To utter the words

Because it's admitting

Just how much it hurts.

My ridicule,  blame,

Each inexcusable excuse,

Bashes me down,

My own self abuse.

Pressuring myself 

To do more than I can,

Feeling inadequate,

Because I can't. 

Trying to protect

My tormented heart.

From itself

It's ripped apart.

I'm tense, I'm quiet,

I'm listening

To each voice,

My shallow breathing.

Both voices are trying

To protect me from pain.

Just one is still unaware

Of how to reframe.

It's hard to rewire 

An old damaged machine,

But I'm going to try

Even though I will cry,

Even though it will hurt

From the electric shock,

Even though I will pull back,

And forget how to talk.

I know how this goes

And I trust that I can,

Just like I'm doing it now,

As I write out this plan.

It'll take time, 

and self respect

As I recycle, not regress

When I feel inadequate.

---

Written 2022

Humble & Human

I'm breathing, but just barely

I'm alive! I can survive!

My aches, my pains

Twist my tortured mind

The tears keep surging.

Im still breathing

It hurts to feel, to touch, to see

I need solitude in a bubble and float away

I feel guilty I'm not strong enough

To let you be unchecked.

I'm so fragile, immobile

I close my eyes

I can't learn to heal today

So I let my self float away

And that's okay.

---

Written 2021

Sing Me a Lullaby

I want to stomp my feet and throw things,

Smash the world to smithereens,

The world that took you away from me

So unforgivingly.

I don't have the strength

To kick and scream it out,

But my heart is bursting

Leaving me twisted inside out.

My tears don't seem to run dry,

And I know that when they do

I'll have entered a new phase,

A new ugly place,

Where no one can see the gaping hole,

Or understand what's missing.

Tonight, I'll bring you with me

Into my dreams, 

So my tears can rest,

And my heavy chest,

Can have a break till morning.

---

Written 2021

Our Invisible String

Your voice echos in my mind

You feel so far away

Yet I feel you feeling free and smiling.

You're surrounding me and checking in,

Free to stay all day,

No need to rush away.

You sit inside my thoughts

As I share my days routine.

You feel content and I feel blessed

To carry you with me.

---

Written 2021

A Mourner's Journal

The icicles are melting

Around my numb, aching heart.

It starts thumping again,

Faster and dangerously

Out of control.

The droplets fall down

Past my torn, mournful collar.

It doesn't faze me.

There's no need to wipe them gone;

They're where they belong.

Words are just words,

That I fumble together.

Trying to make sense 

Of life and death.

I chuckle at the irony.

Grappling with words, 

Trying to snatch back some control,

And I know deep down

I never owned it

To begin with.

---

Written 2021

Mundane Moments

i snuck inside

like an impostor

in limbo, timeless.      

i'm floating.                  

no cell reception

no responsibilities,

i'm just checking in      

to see what i see:         

the hospital walls,

the labeled doors,     

the waiting rooms,

the anonymity.

no one knows i don't belong.                                  

no one will ask, no one would guess.            

i sit and watch the swinging car seat

of a brand new baby heading home.          

the mom waddles behind. i can sense her relief. 

the birthday balloons so shiny. so many.                                

they don't really take away your pain.        

but we try to find light in the darkness. 

we bring them anyway.

soon i'll be in a hospital bed. 

i'll be stuck in place with an IV.                             

soon i'll wear those silly socks

that keep falling off my feet.               

it's coming. i've been waiting long

for my turn to get well.

it's coming and i'm nervous

because hospitals are my living hell.

the entrapment, the immobility,   

the fear of pain and what ifs.                        

my heart is thumping, "i'm not alone.        

i know i've got this!"

time is up; I must head home.

laundry and supper await.      

i'm not a patient yet.

i have preparations to make.

                                       

getting up to go.              

"feel better!" is whispered about.

there's something in the air 

i'm trying to sort it out.                  

it's not regular routine here.             

it's life highlighted in bold.          

live! breathe! feel!

mundane is put on hold.            

this place reminds me to acknowledge 

He Who gives us all.      

thankful for each moment-     

each one is a miracle.               

i'll be more than okay

with this epiphany on my mind,          

making moments present and full,    

consciously accepting mine.

---

written 2018

Perfectly Imperfect

I am far from perfect
I am scared to say-
The demons are threatening,
Mocking me every day.

Yet I own another voice.
One that I'm setting free.
It doesn't rhyme with perfection
But it's standing up for me.

I say these words aloud
To block out the other noise,
I repeat this every day
Because my self-worth is my choice.

I let myself sing out loud
When I feel it I'll move to the beat.
I talk to myself all the time
When I'm shuffling down the street.

I compliment myself
As I catch a glimpse of my reflection,
I accept my vulnerabilities
And encourage my imperfections.

I forgive myself for my mistakes
Just like I would for a friend,
I cheer myself on
When I've reached wits' ends.

I snuggle up in bed
My mind wanders; I can dream,
Because I am worthy
And it starts with all that love in me.
---
written 2018

Growing Pains

I feel as though I've hurt you.

Not me but through her.

Her actions and words are mine

By default.

My little girl is just that. Little.

Yet her mind is powerful,

Her voice is strong,

Her opinions loud and clear.

She pushes you away

And I am left apologizing,

Wishing I could patch things up-

Make them better again.

I try to squeeze into her heart,

Help her see beyond herself,

Show her how to care,

To understand someone's faults.

My little girl is growing

But growing takes it's time.

Meanwhile you're hurt

And so am I.

---

Written 2017