Mundane Moments

i snuck inside

like an impostor

in limbo, timeless.      

i'm floating.                  

no cell reception

no responsibilities,

i'm just checking in      

to see what i see:         

the hospital walls,

the labeled doors,     

the waiting rooms,

the anonymity.

no one knows i don't belong.                                  

no one will ask, no one would guess.            

i sit and watch the swinging car seat

of a brand new baby heading home.          

the mom waddles behind. i can sense her relief. 

the birthday balloons so shiny. so many.                                

they don't really take away your pain.        

but we try to find light in the darkness. 

we bring them anyway.

soon i'll be in a hospital bed. 

i'll be stuck in place with an IV.                             

soon i'll wear those silly socks

that keep falling off my feet.               

it's coming. i've been waiting long

for my turn to get well.

it's coming and i'm nervous

because hospitals are my living hell.

the entrapment, the immobility,   

the fear of pain and what ifs.                        

my heart is thumping, "i'm not alone.        

i know i've got this!"

time is up; I must head home.

laundry and supper await.      

i'm not a patient yet.

i have preparations to make.

                                       

getting up to go.              

"feel better!" is whispered about.

there's something in the air 

i'm trying to sort it out.                  

it's not regular routine here.             

it's life highlighted in bold.          

live! breathe! feel!

mundane is put on hold.            

this place reminds me to acknowledge 

He Who gives us all.      

thankful for each moment-     

each one is a miracle.               

i'll be more than okay

with this epiphany on my mind,          

making moments present and full,    

consciously accepting mine.

---

written 2018

Perfectly Imperfect

I am far from perfect
I am scared to say-
The demons are threatening,
Mocking me every day.

Yet I own another voice.
One that I'm setting free.
It doesn't rhyme with perfection
But it's standing up for me.

I say these words aloud
To block out the other noise,
I repeat this every day
Because my self-worth is my choice.

I let myself sing out loud
When I feel it I'll move to the beat.
I talk to myself all the time
When I'm shuffling down the street.

I compliment myself
As I catch a glimpse of my reflection,
I accept my vulnerabilities
And encourage my imperfections.

I forgive myself for my mistakes
Just like I would for a friend,
I cheer myself on
When I've reached wits' ends.

I snuggle up in bed
My mind wanders; I can dream,
Because I am worthy
And it starts with all that love in me.
---
written 2018

Growing Pains

I feel as though I've hurt you.

Not me but through her.

Her actions and words are mine

By default.

My little girl is just that. Little.

Yet her mind is powerful,

Her voice is strong,

Her opinions loud and clear.

She pushes you away

And I am left apologizing,

Wishing I could patch things up-

Make them better again.

I try to squeeze into her heart,

Help her see beyond herself,

Show her how to care,

To understand someone's faults.

My little girl is growing

But growing takes it's time.

Meanwhile you're hurt

And so am I.

---

Written 2017

Love You Always

Empty and raw

I feel incomplete.
My heart pounds wildly
With every beat.

Shaking my head,
Denying my tears,
I remind myself-
It's just my fears!

Afraid to lose
What I treasure most;
My family, my love,
I hold so close.

I can taste the pain,
It's not new to me.
No, nothing can stop
It coming.

So I sing my song
To let you know
I love you today,
I love you tomorrow.
---
written 2015

Dead Silence

I'm tired of trying
To communicate.
It feels like there are brick walls
In your place.

Trying to break through
So you can hear
How desperate I am
For you to care.

There's no echo, there's no sound
There's only emptiness all around.
You don't look, you can't see
How so untouchable you are to me.

I scream in hope of getting through
I try until my face turns blue
But nothing makes you turn around,
You just can't seem to understand.

I'm tired of trying to find a way
To help you see I've got something to say,
Maybe I'll leave it for another day,
Today we'll go our separate ways

In dead silence.
---
Written 2017

Can I Let You Go?

I feel so sad when I see you;
For some reason my heart is pulled towards you,
But I look at you
And feel pushed away.

We joke, we laugh
But inside I cry,
I force down the lump in my throat,
I convince myself to move on.

You've created a facade.
A hard, cold, unbreakable facade.
I can't reach you, yet I keep trying,
And it hurts me every time.

So I wonder, is it time I say Goodbye?
---
written 2017

In Your Corner

I want to hold you
Protect you from harm
I want to shield you from pain.
I want you to know you're never alone
Whatever you feel, I feel the same.

I can't chase your demons
I can't fight your wars
But I can stand by you as you do
I won't sit down until you can rest
Because you're not alone. I love you.

---

written 2016

Blame Game

It's easy to blame you for everything
It makes me feel righteous and justified.
When I stop for a moment I can admit
I have you to blame because you're here.

You're always around because you're right by my side
You're always doing it wrong because you're doing what you can
You keep giving and I keep taking
And still you haven't given up on me.

I blame you because I'm hurting inside
And push you away because I can't have you close
I can't handle the pain of feeling alone
So I numb it with anger and shame.

I want to apologize. To make it right
I need you to know I'm defeated
I need you to see I'm trying to change
Because you don't deserve how I treat you.

There's so much good I want to share
So much to feel yet I'm scared
So much to love and so much to accept
So thank you for believing in me.

---

written 2016

Blinded

Where am I going?
What am I doing?
I feel lost, confused, unsure.

Even of how I feel,
Is it real?

What evidence do I need
To prove to myself
That I can succeed?

This endless pressure
Of needing more,
Better, better!

I can't keep up 
With my wishful demands,
I can't stand up to my ridiculous plans.

I'm tired, confused and lonely for sure,
I need reassurance 
Of what this is for.

Can you see me? I'm lost!
Can you hear me call out?

Please search till you find me,
Unless you've forgotten too
What this is all about.
---
written 2016

You're Calling

You call. I hear the ringing in my ears.
I feel you pulling at my heart.
But I can't take your calls.

Your voice tricks me into obedience,
Belittling me, until I forget my stance;
What I believe, what I need, who I am.

You dismiss my words, disregard my time;
Leaving me to constantly pick up the pieces.
So I'm done. With you.

You don't want to hear the truth.
I won't waste my breath telling you.
Let my silence answer your questions.
---
written 2016