One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It's hard to believe I can be in control
This is a different life than I've had before.
The road is tough but the bumps are okay
I can travel over them, step by step, day by day.

I look at you and know you hear my voice
You're cheering me on to make this choice
To be bigger and braver and use the courage I hide
Willing me to fight my demons inside.

My heart pounds so loud, it reminds me how I was afraid
To let others know how I was ashamed
To think and to feel and to let it out;
I was a captive within but a 'good girl'- throughout.

I pray for the strength to face my fears
As they've accumulated over the years
Shying away, building walls-
Always prepared for my world to fall.

Yet I've grown into a wife, a mommy, an adult
To get here I've learned to trust myself.
My gut tells me I can do this but I'm still petrified
I'll just take one step. One step at a time.
---
written 2015

Life is an Oxymoron

Life is empty and full
All at once
My pages are blank
Because I'm lost in space
I can't find the time
Nor the peace of mind
To find myself
Somewhere to unwind
And fill my heart
By letting it out.
---
written 2012

Can I?

I don't want to go
Because I don't want to know
How little I've moved forward.

It's hard to  take each step
When I'm constantly out of breath
All I want is to rest, again.

The journey is so long 
So many chances to get it wrong
It's hard to see the end from where I am.

I don't  want to be a quitter
I fight my urge to be so bitter
I remind myself how powerful I can be.

It's not so daunting, just today
I can choose to do okay
Empower my tired self, again.

I look around and count the good
From wherever I could
And fill myself with peace and joy.

It's not as hard when I'm not alone
I seek out my friends, my family, my home
We celebrate my victories together.

I still do feel small
But I know that's not all
I have a lot to be proud of too.

"Don't give up!", I repeat
I can always reward myself with a treat
By caring for my needs, I'll pull through.
---
written 2014

Crossroads

Because I love you, I turn away
So you cannot see my face.
I cannot let you know my thoughts
While you're stuck in your place.

You can't understand now
And I don't want you to try
Because the pain of not succeeding
Makes me break down and cry.

My words seem so harsh to you
I wish they didn't make you squirm
But I tell you them because I care
I'm sorry I seem such a burden.

This journey that you travel
Makes us stronger at it's end
Soon, soon, it'll be okay
It's just around the bend.
---
written 2014

Bedtime is for Children?

What annoys me more than bedtime taking an hour
Is when it takes the hour after to bounce the kid back to bed,
To finally succeed in making her succumb to sleep-
Her ultimate failure, no doubt.
Her boo-boos and band-aids,
Her thirst and spilled water,
Too cold and too hot and too dark and...
By the time we're through
I've fallen asleep first, on the couch.
I don't know if this rambling makes much sense
Because I'm peering at the screen, backspacing every other letter
-Trying to remember what it is that I thought to write about anyway.
Oh dear, the door is slowly opening and little feet are peeking. 
I better go
And pretend to be asleep!
---
written 2014

Joyful Cleansing

When I clean, I feel it's a never ending chore.
The more I sort and find, I uncover more and more.
Now you might think I live in a pig sty
But I would like to defend myself and deny-
This is my home, filled with good things;
Learning how to do what's right,
How to become better beings.
Learning how to say kind words,
How to elevate our days,
Learning how to smile,
Amidst the piles in the way.
Now this is no excuse, I know!
I better get to cleaning,
I'll see you next week
When I pop up to keep breathing!
I hope I didn't chase you all away,
My 4 year old even swept today.
This home is full of love and care
And that's what I feel when I look around,
Of course, I keep looking,
Because I need a place to sit down!
I folded all the laundry and made sure all the drawers still close
Just don't go snooping inside of them
-You don't want to get too close.
Hey, hey, I kid, you don't need to leave
The funky smell isn't from here
That's from the drug house next door
You don't need to disappear. 
I love to share my home with guests
I enjoy sharing what I own
My home is to bring others warmth
To make them smile when they go back home.
Goodbye now, I'm not done,
Cleaning is an endless task
But I will admit it's precious
Because it's not just that-
It's creating a place of beauty
Out of what we're given.
And that is what life is for
-Treasure every blessing.
---
written 2014

Just Me... & Me & Me

If I am just me, how can I be
A mother, a wife, a sister, a friend?
Can I be here if I need to be there;
Where does it start and where does it end?
How can I know what I must do
To fill all my roles while staying sane too?
When can I stop, take a moment to breathe?
I need to figure this out
Because I need some relief!
---
written 2011

Hungry for More

Can I be your little girl
That you'll love and adore?
Oh can't I be
-So you'll give me more and more!

I thrive on all the attention
Whether it's good or bad or both.
I hope, so badly hope
You admire me.

I want to be your struggling hero
I want a medal
To acknowledge my journey
And success-

Am I not successful?
Am I not so great?
I know I am
-Oh, but please, please, tell me so!
---
written 2011

Looking Up

I watch you sit there, stuck in your chair
And my heart aches for you.
I see your fingers twisting and pulling
You're so tense, you're so stuck.
You can't look up to see my eyes,
You're so pulled in, I know that pain-
Like the world's gone dark
And each tomorrow will be the same.

I watch you sit there, stuck in your mind
And I remember when that used to be me.
I'd pull at my fingers as I tried desperately to talk
But I was too tense, I was stuck.
I couldn't look up to see the care in your eyes
I couldn't look around to see the world go by
I was just consumed with pain that seemed to never end
My worst fear being tomorrow would be the same.

But G-d blessed me with love, which I denied I own
Yet I was guided to see that it's there.
I had people to care and be patient with me
To love me although it wasn't easy.
Then day by day, yes it felt like forever
They turned into months; I climbed out
From the ground that my heart was buried in
To the world that I share with you.

I longed for the time I would find the strength
I longed for the life I didn't own.
My longing grew so consuming
That's when I started to pray.
I was so full of rage and so very afraid
So I screamed at G-d until my voice grew tired
And then I heard Him
"I'm here, It's okay."

Now I look up when I'm feeling stuck
I look around at the faces I know
I look in the eyes of the people I love
Until there's a spark in our eyes
I know I'm not alone.
I look at the Heavens, at the world all around
And whisper to G-d
"I believe You. It'll be okay."

I know you're stuck, I can't make it go away
But I can be patient and show you I care
I'm here by your side while you're alone in your pain
And I'll love you every day.
G-d will comfort your throbbing heart
He listens when you pray.
Yes, it'll come, when you'll look up too
You'll whisper to G-d
You're okay. 
---
written 2013

Forgotten Prayer

I don't want to forget You
In my busy, distracting days
I don't want to dismiss You
As if You're in the way

I want to call out to You
And I stumble on my words
Once I try to talk to You
All else becomes a blur

I am Your hungry child
Thirsting for Your love
In my humble home
My soul hasn't had enough

Each day the sun comes up
I forget what I'm doing here
I need You, Father
Please accept my prayer
---
written 2013