Out of Control

I pride myself on being in control
I love the feeling of predictability
I cringe when things fall apart
Keeping it all together is far from easy.

I like to present a put together front
Where there's rules and methods that flow
I need to know I can count on that
So I'm steady as I tread through the unknown.

Yet the inevitable is bound to come
When life throws me for a loop
Some outcomes are beyond my reach
I've failed and need to regroup.

As I pull myself together
It becomes clear what went so wrong
It is not I who can control my world
I've been in denial all along.

As much as I despise my discomfort
I see now how pretending hurts me more
I finally sense relief
When I admit that there is more.

Beyond my mind, my carefullness
Beyond my trying and success
There's a Power greater than my failures and triumphs
Only He can clean up my mess.

When I'm floundering, desperately searching
For control, peace, clarity
I can look beyond myself
Send a prayer to G-d to help me.

I've tried this new idea
I'm filled with wonder and relief
Because finally I don't need control
Everything's okay with G-d taking care of me.
---
written 2015

War of Masks, Masks of War

Walls go up 

I can't let you close

I can't let you know

I can't break them down-

I can't break down.

I can't let you see

My tears, my pain

I can't let you touch 

My heart so raw

I can't because I can't because I can't.

I just know what to do

To keep my head up to fight

I can't let the guard down

It'll confuse me

Distort my version of right.

With my mask on 

You wouldn't see me

But then I could tell you

All that you ask about

All that I hold so tight

I can't let you know

I can't let it go

There's no where for it to go

You can't take it away

Anyway

It will stay with me

Keeping me company

In my loneliness, in my tiredness

I'm filled so full, yet with emptiness

So raw, so heavy, for so long.

Slowly I pour it out before you

When I find the courage to tell you

But the fear keeps pulling 

Me back and forth

Today I lost another war.

Today I held back even more

Because the thought of sharing

What hurts so bad

Makes it too real, 

Too taunting, too sad.

I swallow it whole, deep in a hole

Under layers of tears, and tears left unshed

               but I'm not done fighting,

      I need to try again

I'm not done fighting, not until the end.

---

written 2015

HIJACK

I've turned everyone into enemies

And now I’m so alone,

I’m shooting down all my friends

Behind the fortress of my home.

I can’t look them in the eye

And try to understand

Because I’m busy defending, offending,

There’s no one left who can.

I’m dangerous with my weapons

Of cold words and harsh replies

And when I stop, I’m aghast

While I fumble to rectify

All of my mistakes;

Creating such pain

I’m so miserable and desperate

I want to hijack the next plane

Then I can demand they all listen

Be forced to see I’m just hurt and confused

And instead of trying to explain,

I lashed out and caused them their wounds.

Then I’d look them in the eyes

And they’d be forced to see

That I am no monster

-Just a very scared, little, me.

---

Written 2015

Mother's Love

Sometimes I forget to look in your eyes.
I get distracted by your words, your voice, your actions
I forget that when you yell it's because something doesn't feel right inside.

I am your mother. I ought to notice.
I'm trying to listen to what you haven't learned how to say
I want to give you what you're missing.

You feel things you don't understand
You try to make do with what you can
But sometimes, little girl, it's too much for your little being.

Come close, my love, let me hold you
Cry, I will wipe your tears
Let me see your innocent eyes.

Your smile appears on your face
You feel the comfort of my embrace
You own the love of your mother's heart; you keep it beating.

This is what I live to do
To give and love and protect
I'm here, my child, I'm always here for you.
---
written 2015

Let's Be Friends

Another week passed by
And I am much the same
Except for a twinge in my heart
That I cannot explain.

The calmness and security
In feeling understood,
The long moments of silence
Don't threaten me how they would-

Seeing how relieved I am
Once my heart's been exposed,
It's clear that all my fear
Is from years of being closed.

Your eyes tell me that you are sincere
When you ask if I'm okay,
Your patience tells me it matters
What I have to say.

Your tears tell me you feel
What I feel in my heart-
I see now- I'm not such a stranger;
Sometimes we all feel torn apart.

I think I found a real friend,
I dare admit it's true.
No one deserves to stay closed in forever
I'm so grateful to have you.
---
written 2015

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

It's hard to believe I can be in control
This is a different life than I've had before.
The road is tough but the bumps are okay
I can travel over them, step by step, day by day.

I look at you and know you hear my voice
You're cheering me on to make this choice
To be bigger and braver and use the courage I hide
Willing me to fight my demons inside.

My heart pounds so loud, it reminds me how I was afraid
To let others know how I was ashamed
To think and to feel and to let it out;
I was a captive within but a 'good girl'- throughout.

I pray for the strength to face my fears
As they've accumulated over the years
Shying away, building walls-
Always prepared for my world to fall.

Yet I've grown into a wife, a mommy, an adult
To get here I've learned to trust myself.
My gut tells me I can do this but I'm still petrified
I'll just take one step. One step at a time.
---
written 2015

Life is an Oxymoron

Life is empty and full
All at once
My pages are blank
Because I'm lost in space
I can't find the time
Nor the peace of mind
To find myself
Somewhere to unwind
And fill my heart
By letting it out.
---
written 2012